Love and Despair
by Ravyn89
Summary: Ever since Sirius returned he had been moody... then he died in turn making his girlfriend Holly Anderson depressed. In an atempt to feel better she writes it down in a small notebook. But as bad things keep happening in Harry's seventh year she keeps pul


**Disclaimer: **Anbody or anything that you recognize it not mine. I did not write the Harry Potter books or I would be out there giving Harry anger managment classes and bringing Sirius back to live. Unfortunatly I can't do that so I'm stuck writing this fanfic. I do not own Holly Anderson either, she belongs to my friend Kayhera. But she had allowed me to write this fanfic. The character Ivy Smith belongs to me!!!!

**Note: **This takes place in Harry's seventh year. It doesn't necessarily matter what happened in their sixth year. Just pretend that things went by normally for once except for a few murder attempts on the Death Eater's part. But mostly they lay low because now the Ministry knew they were about. Anyways, this is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very (you get the idea?) very depressing fanfic and if you don't like angst then turn around right now and leave!!!! I don't write like this very often so do not blame me if it sucks! Just don't say it sucks just say "I don't really like it and here is why..." don't say "this is wrong, this is stupid, blah, blah, blah..." I've gotten that all ready and I don't like it!!!!! Anyways, R&R please and thank you! Everybody that replies will by best friends! And intelligent review too if you would be so kind... I don't care if you're lazy!!!!!

26 July

I write this in hopes that the following events will make sense. It's all just a jumble and I can't believe it's happening. I'm gone for almost 16 years and everything changes. And not for the good either.

Alright, my name is Holly Anderson and I'm 37 years old. I've spent the most part of my last 17 years alone, in a small house in the middle of no where. Not true. Everywhere is somewhere and I had my best friend, Ivy Smith's, cat to keep me company. But it didn't fix the fact that I had almost no human socialization for almost 16 full years. This is because 16 years ago my friends, Lily and James Potter were killed by Lord Voldemort. Yes, this all very sad but it actually wasn't as bad as you would think in that one fact. Lily, yes, was one of my better friends, but I never knew James all that much. I would miss them, yes, but it wasn't like I was going to go kill somebody.

Besides little Harry Potter survived and got rid of Voldemort. For the time being of course.

No, the bad part about this is that they were well hidden. They had a secret keeper who betrayed them. Everybody thought it was Sirius, my hopefully soon-to-be-fiancé, but he had switched with Peter Pettigrew. But Peter, being the little rat that he was (seriously) faked his death and got Sirius thrown in Azkaban. Not only did it take a lot of time to convince everybody (including my friends Ivy and Remus Lupin) that I had not been involved. Then they wouldn't believe me when I told them it had not been Sirius.

So I moved out in the country side into what use to be my family's summer home. Ivy was one of those few who were still my friend afterwards. But she suddenly got this idea to tour the entire world and left. She left her cat with me because she supposedly didn't trust it alone with Remus. I don't blame her. He does turn into a werewolf once a month and he would probably forget to feed it. Also Ivy sends me a letter like every week which is nice.

Well then I got a letter that was definitely in Remus' hand saying he had a surprise for me. So I got to this really weird address (Number 12 Grimmauld Place) and when I first go through the door Remus hurries me down into the kitchen. Then he tells me to sit down and Mrs. Weasley, this really nice red headed women with so many children she didn't know what to do, offered me tea. I was half way through my mug when who should show up but…

My boyfriend Sirius Black. I couldn't help myself. I jumped on him and just started squeezing him. But I knew right away that something was different about him. What ever it was I didn't like it. It could have been the fact that he never kissed me. Maybe it was that his eyes were nothing like the lively gray eyes that I remembered from our seventh year. Also it could have been the fact that he didn't like to bring up conversations about Lily and James as if he really didn't want to believe they were dead. But probably the main thing was he was so depressed on him having to be cooped up in his old house that he had ran away from in his sixth year all the time.

So I left. Of course I went back again. I mean, I did love Sirius and all. But I could never stand being around him for long because he was so depressed. I couldn't even cheer him up so he in turn depressed me. This sort of thing I normally let Ivy take care of, but she wasn't there!

Then for like an entire year I didn't go. For some reason I couldn't get myself to go. This was Harry's sixth year as I recall. Mrs. Weasley kept on sending letters wondering if I was all right. I said yeah, why shouldn't I be? She never did answer.

On the 24th I finally got another letter. This one was in Remus' hand. I don't have it now so I can't just put it in. But basically it told me to come over there was something important we needed to discuss. Bring everything. I didn't get it, what was so important. But it didn't sound right and I got a really bad feeling.

Right in the middle of packing up all of my stuff (not a lot, surprisingly enough) another owl came with a letter from Ivy. This was very strange. It said she couldn't wait to see me, that she was going to Grimmauld place, she would bring lots of chocolate and that she really needed to give me a big hug. Normally hugs and chocolate means I'm upset. But I wasn't. There wasn't anything to be upset about.

The 25th, the day Remus asked me to come to Grimmauld Place, came up and I slept in. I had packed away my alarm clock so this wasn't a hard thing to do. I only got there an hour late anyways. Automatically I took out my wand to unlock the front door. Automatically I walked down into the kitchen, leaving my stuff in the entrance room.

The first thing I noticed about the kitchen was nobody was doing anything. Except for Mrs. Weasley who was cooking, but that is just as bad as everybody else not doing anything. When I walked in Mr. Weasley took off his glasses and cleaned them; Fred and George, who are normally very lively, looked glum and depressed; Ginny, a 16 year-old girl, suddenly looked 8; Bill shuffled around some parchment to look like he was doing something; Tonks stood up, knocking over her chair, then sat back down, looking pink in the face; Mundungous Fletcher suddenly tried to look like he was sleeping; Ron started staring at the table; Hermione started reading a book, upside down; and Remus just stood up offering his chair.

I knew something was wrong. So here's the next thing that I noticed:

"Well when Harry, Sirius and Ivy show up there won't be enough seats for you, Remus."

Somebody coughed but that was the only other sound I heard at that moment. I even think the flies were trying hard not to make a sound.

"What, did Ivy just cancel or something?" I asked. "Or… Oh no! Did Voldemort finally get Harry?"

"He's not going to get me that easily," said a voice stiffly behind me.

I turn willing it to be Harry and Sirius. I knew that voice was Harry's, I really knew that. But if it wasn't Ivy or Harry that was making everybody look all glum then it had to be…

But I wasn't going to let it be!

But when I turned it was just Harry with a very sympathetic look. And I hate it when people are all sympathetic and worried about me and I don't know why! Except I did. Least ways, I should have. Deep down in side I did.

Remus seemed to guess what was going through my mind and led me to his seat. As I was sitting down still thinking over all of this somebody else came flying down the stairs. I almost thought it was Sirius. Actually, no, I was just really wishful thinking. Instead Ivy Smith-Lupin came rushing into the room.

She looked like she ran all the way from Africa to London. Her hair looked as if she had tried to put it in a ponytail but had given up with it. She kept on blinking her pale blue eyes and the jacket she was wearing, with the label 'Remus' on the left pocket, was half off her shoulders as if she was too hot. The sleeves were just a bit too long on her even though she had rolled them up. For some reason she looked sad. This is Ivy we're talking about. She's never really sad unless there's good reason for it and it never lasts long.

"Hey, Holly!" she said, coming over and giving me a big hug.

Then she sat down opposite me and took my hands in hers. Nobody seemed to know what she was doing. But deep down in side I did. This was her 'your cat died' thing. Hug, chocolate then tell me. Except I gave up getting cats once Ivy gave me hers. Which hers died and I just got another one to replace it, no big deal. Anyways, in a way I knew what Ivy was going to say.

"Holly, Sirius died," whispered Ivy.

It didn't sink in. Instead I just laughed.

"Oh very funny! Where is he hiding?" I asked. This really seemed to hurt Harry because he started to leave. Except Ginny jumped up and hugged him. I thought this was very sweet of her, but I was busy being insane. I was like laughing. I swear I was.

So Ivy took me by the shoulders.

"No, Holly. This is serious. He died!" she said firmly, tears falling down her cheeks.

I blinked but it still wasn't sinking in. I wiped away Ivy's tears.

"Why are you crying?" I asked.

She slapped me. Seriously! She slapped me right across the face. I would have slapped myself too.

"Sirius is dead, Holly!" she cried, trying hard not to lose her temper.

It finally sunk in. But I wasn't going to let it be true.

"No… no, I don't believe it! He said it wouldn't happen. He promised. He promised he would never leave me! Please tell me he's just hiding!" I choked, feeling inevitable tears.

I looked around not catching anybody's eyes but looking for those warm gray eyes that I knew so well. Even after 12 years in Azkaban I still knew them. But they weren't there. Sirius was dead. I knew it. I had known it since I first walked into the room. I was never going to see him again.

It was like something fell away inside me. A big gaping hole stood there where Sirius use to be and it started to suck everything else in. And as the dam fell away I started to cry.

"Sirius… come back… damn you… come back!" I sobbed. I felt Ivy put her arms around me. "You said you wouldn't leave me."

But just like my father, Sirius was gone. He was gone and wasn't coming back.

God hates me. I know he does!


End file.
